The Story of My Life

I found this poem in the latest book I'm reading. It describes my journey very well. I don't think I'm quite at chapter V yet...

~ unknown artist

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Daily Mindfulness Practice

Eight Attitudes of Mindfulness

Beginner’s Mind – awareness of things as new and fresh.

Nonjudgment – impartial observation, no labeling thoughts, feelings; taking note of each moment.

Acknowledgement – awareness that validates things as they are.

Non-striving – no grasping, aversion to change, or movement away from the moment.

Equanimity – involves balance and fosters wisdom. Allows a deep understanding of change and allows me to be with change with greater insight and compassion.

Letting be – be with things as they are, no need to try to let go of the present.

Self-reliance – seeing for myself, from my own experience, what is true or untrue.

Self-compassion – love for self as I am without blame or criticism.

~ taken from A Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Workbook by Bob Stahl & Elisha Goldstein

Another Book Review

Another of Melody Beattie's books on codependency, this one is exactly what I've needed these last months. It is a collection of daily meditations on topics pertinent to those of us who are working to overcome this destructive behavior.

I chose to read more than one passage per day rather than the recommended one-a-day, thinking that I could accelerate the process (haha!). Actually, it worked well for me and was amazingly spot on most days that I read.

After reading several books about this topic, I found this one to be a good daily reminder to keep my focus where I wanted it.

I found that these excerpts (and others) resonated with me:

"What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" - with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history - is worthy of acceptance and brings healing..."

"... we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be."

"When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we're off course. Then its purpose is finished."

"We need to let go of our need to be in dysfunctional relationships and systems at work, in love, in family relationships, in friendships. We deserve better."

"Shame... is the trademark of dysfunctional families... Shame is an overwhelming negative sense that who we are isn't okay."

"Focusing only on what's wrong is a core issue in our codependency."

"We learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account."

"There is a difference between asking someone to rescue us an asking someone in a direct manner for the help we need."

"Using each problem that comes our way to 'prove' life is hard and we are helpless - this is codependency."

"We don't have to forfeit our truth or our power to others. That is codependency."

"People, jobs, what we have as our immediate disposal, are not our source."

I will be rereading this one for sure!

Random Beach Post

The beach has become my happy place of late. At the close of my work week, I find myself remembering to breathe the closer I get to my ocean destination. A place where I can lay aside the myriad of thoughts that take most of my energy and attention during the work week, I pray for a break in the weather so that I can let go the tenseness in my body and walk the sandy shore. A place for organizing the clutter in my mind and heart, I can regain my perspective here.

It's so easy to stuff those thoughts, emotions, and frustrations into a tidy place in my mind until they leak out as aches and pains, grumblings, lost memories, and an inability to relax and take time for my needs. Walking the shore, relaxing in solitude, laughing and carrying on conversations with my dear friends all work to release the tension of the week.

I thank my G-d for providing this place of sanctuary and peace, for friends who offer wise counsel, for the wind and waves.

From the rising of the sun to its going down, the Name of the L-rd shall be praised.  ~Psalm 113:3

When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in the worship of the creator. ~ Gandhi

Book Review

As some of you know, I've been working on overcoming Codependency for quite awhile now. I've read many books from many authors, most notably the works of Melody Beattie. Recently, I discovered a new-to-me author, Karen Casey. She comes at the issue with decades of experience and offers a somewhat different perspective. Her writings offer more tools and a steady source of material to keep me focused on this arduous journey (she's written many books).  I just finished  Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow. 

I've collected my 'take-aways' and categorized them in a way that makes sense to me (yes, it's rather random).  I found the book to be exactly what I needed - I hope this offers some guidance for any of you who want out of the cyclical trap as I do:

Another definition of codependency:

 "depending wholly on the outside world, on others’ reactions to us and current circumstances for direction on what we should think, who we really are, and how worthy we are. We allow our lives to revolve entirely around the opinions, actions, plans, and whims of others. It may feel like security, but it absolves us from taking responsibility for our lives."

FEAR:

Fear develops from my incessant comparison with others.

The author describes herself as “living irresponsibly” for most of her life, “wallowing in self-consciousness, insecurity, self-pity, and indecisiveness”. She says it fed the fear that held her hostage for so long. Yep, that describes me as well.

 Our fear pushes us to behave in a manner that harms everyone, including ourselves.

Why do we argue? To cover up fear. 

When on the verge of reacting to someone else’s opinion, accusation, dismissal, etc, assess what my fear is about and relinquish it. We don’t have to stay in the clutches of fear.

RESPONSIBILITY

If I take responsibility for my thoughts, I no longer have an excuse or escape…

The only thing required of me is effort, effort for the part I am responsible for, then take my hands off.

My happiness is tied to my willingness to be responsible for my own moods.

Accept responsibility for every thought.

THE PAST

To stay present in the moment means to NOT layer present experiences with emotions of past chaotic experiences.

When we overreact, it is because of past experience – it’s a trigger – ‘increase(s) the chance of actually creating the chaos in the here and now’. That’s how self-sabotage happens.

I have habitually relied on the past to interpret what is happening now – the past is not there to provide ‘edification about the present’.

“We are generally prejudiced by what we have seen in the past and by what we want a particular experience to look like.” It colors perspective.

           When our minds are on the past or the future, we often experience agitation or anxiety – stay in the present.

-          We can learn to let the past call without going there and let the future beckon without moving toward it.

JUDGEMENT

Every time I sit in judgment of someone else, I strengthen the feelings of inferiority that I’m trying to escape, deny, or project onto someone else.

Moods change when I respond positively to people rather than holding them down with my judgments, which can always be felt.

  “… we project onto others through our accusations that which we want to deny about ourselves…”

-         Every time we sit in judgment of another, our lives are diminished and become narrower.

-         Our judgments reflect how we see ourselves, and our fear consumes us.

PERCEPTION/OBSESSION

I have perceived my well-being as being tied to decisions and whims of others.

 “… our minds will subjectively distort or misinterpret virtually every experience we have, and we will behave according to this distortion.”

 Depression can be caused by our obsession with others and are constantly comparing ourselves to others and find ourselves falling short (that’s me).

“Our perceptions are our projections” – We push our imagined failings onto others because we don’t appreciate our own humanity and don’t want to look at our frailties. We lack forgiveness of ourselves.

Living through the lives of others – watching others’ every move to discover who we are and the depth of our acceptabililty – is a lonely place to live.

Our obsessions with others’ lives prevents us from fulfilling our own purpose, which in turn creates in us a sense of insignificance, which feeds our obsession – a vicious cycle.

“problems” in life are generally non-threatening; rather they are little more than ordinary situations that we choose to complicate.”  We react or overreact, so it fuels the flame.

-         We choose how big to make a problem.

     We are not hostage to our thoughts unless we choose to be.

OTHERS

Shutting people out is a way to preempt being shut out.

I keep noticing this phrase as I’ve been reading this book: “even though I was not ready to apply it to my life yet”.  She recognizes profound lessons and valuable thoughts, but knows that she isn’t ready to really act on them. I have done that so much.

When anyone anywhere is diminished by our treatment, we  have done harm.  Examples: not listening, not making eye contact, not responding, being discounting, criticizing.

-          Commit to doing no harm each day, one day at a time. Do not criticize or diminish others by our behavior.

      I cannot hear His voice if my mind is full of chatter.

Every person I encounter is there for a reason whether I know why or not. Nothing is coincidental.  Be grateful for everything in my life whether good or not. All of it happens for a reason.

I will know I am making progress by the level of freedom I feel in the company of others.

HEARING G-D

-         Doing the same old thing is like comfy slippers – we don’t want to toss them even though they’re worn out. We don’t have to. Nor do we have to listen to G-d… (new concept for me). 

      Beneath the noisy voice of ego lies the quiet voice of G-d. I can empty my thoughts to listen.

     We most often listen to the wrong voice because it’s most familiar and the loudest. It elevates us at the expense of others.

     Practice gratitude. Our minds are never idle, so choose thoughts lovingly and carefully with G-d as our guide.

     Final Thoughts:

      "Celebrate the fact that we are in charge of no one but ourselves!"

   

      I cannot say enough about practicing gratitude! I have made a conscious effort to write out for myself those things for which I am grateful every day. That combined with focusing on self-respect have made a huge difference lately.  I have to make a conscious decision every day to practice awareness and to dismiss negative, unhealthy thoughts as they come - and they do bombard me on a regular basis.

   “In the final analysis, the primary lessons for every one of us, however unexpectedly they show up, are to be willing to offer and receive love; to listen intently to the words of others; to remember that G-d is always speaking to us through our experiences with others, making each of them holy; and to be grateful for each moment, knowing that nothing is real but each moment as we live it.”

ANXIETY

As I work continue working through the issues of codependence, I am so grateful for the growth and healing of the past year and a half. I'm in a healthier, happier place - life is truly good! Yet, I still have much work to do before I'm where I want to be.

So, with that said, I'm taking note of where the critical areas lie - anxiety is my current topic of choice. You know, the kind that makes you feel as if you're in a mental fog and debilitatingly unsure of yourself. It expresses itself in me as emotionally shutting down, stuttering, and letting imagined fears influence how I act. I become controlling and resistant. I feel as if I can’t make an intelligent comment to save my life and become so self-focused that I cry at the drop of a hat over things I’d laugh at normally. I create drama, over-focus on minor events, and feel like I'm damaging relationships. 

My goal is to identify when I feel anxiety and not let it take me into a downward spiral. As with all aspects of our lives, this is an area that requires continual effort over the long-haul (I've been dealing with this for a good many years now). Therefore, the information that follows is not new to me. In fact, it's advice my best friend has been telling me for years.

Anxiety prone people "… treat every negative thought as if it were fact. You may also discredit your own ability to handle life’s problems, assuming you’ll fall apart at the first sign of trouble. These irrational, pessimistic attitudes are known as cognitive distortions.

Although cognitive distortions aren’t based on reality, they’re not easy to give up. Often, they’re part of a lifelong pattern of thinking that’s become so automatic you’re not even completely aware of it. In order to break these bad thinking habits and stop the worry and anxiety they bring, you must retrain your brain.

Start by identifying the frightening thought, being as detailed as possible about what scares or worries you. Then, instead of viewing your thoughts as facts, treat them as hypotheses you’re testing out. As you examine and challenge your worries and fears, you’ll develop a more balanced perspective.

§  What’s the evidence that the thought is true? That it’s not true?

§  Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?

§  What’s the probability that what I’m scared of will actually happen?

§  If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?

§  Is the thought helpful? How will worrying about it help me and how will it hurt me?

§  What would I say to a friend who had this worry?

Worrying is usually focused on the future—on what might happen and what you’ll do about it. The centuries-old practice of mindfulness can help you break free of your worries by bringing your attention back to the present. In contrast to the previous techniques of challenging your anxious thoughts or postponing them to a worry period, this strategy is based on observing and then letting them go. Together, they can help you identify where your thinking is causing problems, while helping you get in touch with your emotions.

§  Acknowledge and observe your anxious thoughts and feelings. Don’t try to ignore, fight, or control them like you usually would. Instead, simply observe them as if from an outsider’s perspective, without reacting or judging.

§  Let your worries go. Notice that when you don’t try to control the anxious thoughts that pop up, they soon pass, like clouds moving across the sky. It’s only when you engage your worries that you get stuck.

§  Stay focused on the present. Pay attention to the way your body feels, the rhythm of your breathing, your ever-changing emotions, and the thoughts that drift across your mind. If you find yourself getting stuck on a particular thought, bring your attention back to the present moment.

Using mindfulness meditation to stay focused on the present is a simple concept, but it takes practice to reap the benefits. At first, you’ll probably find that your mind keeps wandering back to your worries. Try not to get frustrated. Each time you draw your focus back to the present, you’re reinforcing a new mental habit that will help you break free of the negative worry cycle.*

*http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm

May the merciful One grant me the persistence I need to succeed!

Another Book Review!

Book Review – The New Codependency by Melody Beattie 

I’ve been on my journey of self-discovery for a while now, writing about my experience occasionally with the idea of ‘owning my story’ and possibly helping others in the same boat as I have been. The latest installment has been reading this book. It is the author’s follow up 25 years after her initial offering ‘Codependent No More’. While her first book was a huge eye opener to me and worth reading, I found this newest installment refreshingly up-to-date and a necessary next step.

Ms. Beattie cites how society’s view of codependency has evolved since those first years when it was first seen as its own issue apart from other addictions. She states that “ideas that originated with the codependency recovery movement are now how millions of people – whether or not they’re in recovery – live.” The issues that I deal with are common issues for many at varying levels. One well-known speaker/writer, Brene’ Brown, has done intensive research on shame and vulnerability. I saw striking similarities in what she has written to those in this book. It’s just that, as codependents, we go to the extreme. She describes us as having ‘normal behaviors taken too far’ or ‘crossing the line’ (5).

As these ideas have permeated our culture, the nature of codependents has changed, too. First generation sufferers had ‘matyrdom and deprivation embedded in their DNA’. However, in the subsequent generations, she sees codependents who have a sense of over-entitlement, over-protection, inflated self-esteem, often crossing the line into narcissism (12). So, the ideas have recycled and mutated into something different for the children and grandchildren of those first ‘pioneers’. From a control group of one’s perspective, I agree.

What I gained most from this book is summed up in the following:

“We may not be aware of how much we have lost if we lost something we never had – like feeling safe, protected, and loved.” (16) 

 “Awareness leads to acceptance. Acceptance takes us to surrender. Surrender brings power and peace.”(24) 

- I feel validated that my experience has been shared by so many and that what I see in myself is what it is. 

- I need not feel shame, though I still take responsibility for my choices, good or not, accepting the consequences without beating myself up.

- I do not need to take on the label of ‘codependent’. I already suffer from low self-worth, why slap a negative label on top of that? (9)

- All codependent behaviors make sense if traced to their origins. (9)

- Recovery isn’t about pointing fingers, it’s about taking responsibility for ourselves. (8)

- Caring about and for others is not wrong – only when I cross the line into equating that care as my identity and reason for self-worth is it codependent, ie. very unhealthy.

- Codependence is very similar to grief – denial, obsession with loss, guilt, control, anger, sadness. 

- Knowing myself is key to recovery.

- Self-care involves awareness, presence, self-love, authentic interaction with life. (21) 

- Basic self-care behaviors are important - exactly how and when to apply them can be different, depending on each situation. (21) For this concrete thinker, this is a biggie as I have to consciously evaluate whether what I'm doing is self-care or selfish (based on motivation).

- Boundaries – she devotes a great deal of time to describing when we’re ready to set boundaries, what they look like in various situations, who we feel powerless to set boundaries with and why. 

The next section takes several intertwining aspects of codependent behavior, defines each and gives ideas on how to work through to emotional health, such things as:

Boundaries (more), care-taking, chemical dependency, communication, control and surrender, denial, dependency, family of origin, giving and receiving, self-love, manipulation, freedom to play, nurturing, obsession, true power, healing, freedom to be ourselves, sexual intimacy, and trust 

A major component of recovery from codependency is acknowledging the existence of a Higher Power, that we are powerless on our own to effectively overcome these destructive behaviors (from Codependent’s Anonymous or CoDA). Ms. Beattie refers to this, frequently sharing examples from her own experience. Personally, I agree with the author - that there is no possible way I can heal on my own strength. Learning to surrender control to my G-d is one of the hardest components for me...

The last section of the book is a series of surveys to help the reader develop self-awareness in several areas. These can be used many times to assess progress as the reader ‘works the program’ (CoDA language).

I can’t even begin to summarize all that I’ve learned through this work. It’s really a matter of taking each section and evaluating where I am in each. I found myself in many of her scenarios, remarking ‘that’s me!’ and highlighting sections to reread. I will be referring back to my notes over time as it’s not the kind of concrete thing you learn just once. Obviously, I highly recommend this book!