Book Review

As some of you know, I've been working on overcoming Codependency for quite awhile now. I've read many books from many authors, most notably the works of Melody Beattie. Recently, I discovered a new-to-me author, Karen Casey. She comes at the issue with decades of experience and offers a somewhat different perspective. Her writings offer more tools and a steady source of material to keep me focused on this arduous journey (she's written many books).  I just finished  Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow. 

I've collected my 'take-aways' and categorized them in a way that makes sense to me (yes, it's rather random).  I found the book to be exactly what I needed - I hope this offers some guidance for any of you who want out of the cyclical trap as I do:

Another definition of codependency:

 "depending wholly on the outside world, on others’ reactions to us and current circumstances for direction on what we should think, who we really are, and how worthy we are. We allow our lives to revolve entirely around the opinions, actions, plans, and whims of others. It may feel like security, but it absolves us from taking responsibility for our lives."

FEAR:

Fear develops from my incessant comparison with others.

The author describes herself as “living irresponsibly” for most of her life, “wallowing in self-consciousness, insecurity, self-pity, and indecisiveness”. She says it fed the fear that held her hostage for so long. Yep, that describes me as well.

 Our fear pushes us to behave in a manner that harms everyone, including ourselves.

Why do we argue? To cover up fear. 

When on the verge of reacting to someone else’s opinion, accusation, dismissal, etc, assess what my fear is about and relinquish it. We don’t have to stay in the clutches of fear.

RESPONSIBILITY

If I take responsibility for my thoughts, I no longer have an excuse or escape…

The only thing required of me is effort, effort for the part I am responsible for, then take my hands off.

My happiness is tied to my willingness to be responsible for my own moods.

Accept responsibility for every thought.

THE PAST

To stay present in the moment means to NOT layer present experiences with emotions of past chaotic experiences.

When we overreact, it is because of past experience – it’s a trigger – ‘increase(s) the chance of actually creating the chaos in the here and now’. That’s how self-sabotage happens.

I have habitually relied on the past to interpret what is happening now – the past is not there to provide ‘edification about the present’.

“We are generally prejudiced by what we have seen in the past and by what we want a particular experience to look like.” It colors perspective.

           When our minds are on the past or the future, we often experience agitation or anxiety – stay in the present.

-          We can learn to let the past call without going there and let the future beckon without moving toward it.

JUDGEMENT

Every time I sit in judgment of someone else, I strengthen the feelings of inferiority that I’m trying to escape, deny, or project onto someone else.

Moods change when I respond positively to people rather than holding them down with my judgments, which can always be felt.

  “… we project onto others through our accusations that which we want to deny about ourselves…”

-         Every time we sit in judgment of another, our lives are diminished and become narrower.

-         Our judgments reflect how we see ourselves, and our fear consumes us.

PERCEPTION/OBSESSION

I have perceived my well-being as being tied to decisions and whims of others.

 “… our minds will subjectively distort or misinterpret virtually every experience we have, and we will behave according to this distortion.”

 Depression can be caused by our obsession with others and are constantly comparing ourselves to others and find ourselves falling short (that’s me).

“Our perceptions are our projections” – We push our imagined failings onto others because we don’t appreciate our own humanity and don’t want to look at our frailties. We lack forgiveness of ourselves.

Living through the lives of others – watching others’ every move to discover who we are and the depth of our acceptabililty – is a lonely place to live.

Our obsessions with others’ lives prevents us from fulfilling our own purpose, which in turn creates in us a sense of insignificance, which feeds our obsession – a vicious cycle.

“problems” in life are generally non-threatening; rather they are little more than ordinary situations that we choose to complicate.”  We react or overreact, so it fuels the flame.

-         We choose how big to make a problem.

     We are not hostage to our thoughts unless we choose to be.

OTHERS

Shutting people out is a way to preempt being shut out.

I keep noticing this phrase as I’ve been reading this book: “even though I was not ready to apply it to my life yet”.  She recognizes profound lessons and valuable thoughts, but knows that she isn’t ready to really act on them. I have done that so much.

When anyone anywhere is diminished by our treatment, we  have done harm.  Examples: not listening, not making eye contact, not responding, being discounting, criticizing.

-          Commit to doing no harm each day, one day at a time. Do not criticize or diminish others by our behavior.

      I cannot hear His voice if my mind is full of chatter.

Every person I encounter is there for a reason whether I know why or not. Nothing is coincidental.  Be grateful for everything in my life whether good or not. All of it happens for a reason.

I will know I am making progress by the level of freedom I feel in the company of others.

HEARING G-D

-         Doing the same old thing is like comfy slippers – we don’t want to toss them even though they’re worn out. We don’t have to. Nor do we have to listen to G-d… (new concept for me). 

      Beneath the noisy voice of ego lies the quiet voice of G-d. I can empty my thoughts to listen.

     We most often listen to the wrong voice because it’s most familiar and the loudest. It elevates us at the expense of others.

     Practice gratitude. Our minds are never idle, so choose thoughts lovingly and carefully with G-d as our guide.

     Final Thoughts:

      "Celebrate the fact that we are in charge of no one but ourselves!"

   

      I cannot say enough about practicing gratitude! I have made a conscious effort to write out for myself those things for which I am grateful every day. That combined with focusing on self-respect have made a huge difference lately.  I have to make a conscious decision every day to practice awareness and to dismiss negative, unhealthy thoughts as they come - and they do bombard me on a regular basis.

   “In the final analysis, the primary lessons for every one of us, however unexpectedly they show up, are to be willing to offer and receive love; to listen intently to the words of others; to remember that G-d is always speaking to us through our experiences with others, making each of them holy; and to be grateful for each moment, knowing that nothing is real but each moment as we live it.”