Another Book Review!

Book Review – The New Codependency by Melody Beattie 

I’ve been on my journey of self-discovery for a while now, writing about my experience occasionally with the idea of ‘owning my story’ and possibly helping others in the same boat as I have been. The latest installment has been reading this book. It is the author’s follow up 25 years after her initial offering ‘Codependent No More’. While her first book was a huge eye opener to me and worth reading, I found this newest installment refreshingly up-to-date and a necessary next step.

Ms. Beattie cites how society’s view of codependency has evolved since those first years when it was first seen as its own issue apart from other addictions. She states that “ideas that originated with the codependency recovery movement are now how millions of people – whether or not they’re in recovery – live.” The issues that I deal with are common issues for many at varying levels. One well-known speaker/writer, Brene’ Brown, has done intensive research on shame and vulnerability. I saw striking similarities in what she has written to those in this book. It’s just that, as codependents, we go to the extreme. She describes us as having ‘normal behaviors taken too far’ or ‘crossing the line’ (5).

As these ideas have permeated our culture, the nature of codependents has changed, too. First generation sufferers had ‘matyrdom and deprivation embedded in their DNA’. However, in the subsequent generations, she sees codependents who have a sense of over-entitlement, over-protection, inflated self-esteem, often crossing the line into narcissism (12). So, the ideas have recycled and mutated into something different for the children and grandchildren of those first ‘pioneers’. From a control group of one’s perspective, I agree.

What I gained most from this book is summed up in the following:

“We may not be aware of how much we have lost if we lost something we never had – like feeling safe, protected, and loved.” (16) 

 “Awareness leads to acceptance. Acceptance takes us to surrender. Surrender brings power and peace.”(24) 

- I feel validated that my experience has been shared by so many and that what I see in myself is what it is. 

- I need not feel shame, though I still take responsibility for my choices, good or not, accepting the consequences without beating myself up.

- I do not need to take on the label of ‘codependent’. I already suffer from low self-worth, why slap a negative label on top of that? (9)

- All codependent behaviors make sense if traced to their origins. (9)

- Recovery isn’t about pointing fingers, it’s about taking responsibility for ourselves. (8)

- Caring about and for others is not wrong – only when I cross the line into equating that care as my identity and reason for self-worth is it codependent, ie. very unhealthy.

- Codependence is very similar to grief – denial, obsession with loss, guilt, control, anger, sadness. 

- Knowing myself is key to recovery.

- Self-care involves awareness, presence, self-love, authentic interaction with life. (21) 

- Basic self-care behaviors are important - exactly how and when to apply them can be different, depending on each situation. (21) For this concrete thinker, this is a biggie as I have to consciously evaluate whether what I'm doing is self-care or selfish (based on motivation).

- Boundaries – she devotes a great deal of time to describing when we’re ready to set boundaries, what they look like in various situations, who we feel powerless to set boundaries with and why. 

The next section takes several intertwining aspects of codependent behavior, defines each and gives ideas on how to work through to emotional health, such things as:

Boundaries (more), care-taking, chemical dependency, communication, control and surrender, denial, dependency, family of origin, giving and receiving, self-love, manipulation, freedom to play, nurturing, obsession, true power, healing, freedom to be ourselves, sexual intimacy, and trust 

A major component of recovery from codependency is acknowledging the existence of a Higher Power, that we are powerless on our own to effectively overcome these destructive behaviors (from Codependent’s Anonymous or CoDA). Ms. Beattie refers to this, frequently sharing examples from her own experience. Personally, I agree with the author - that there is no possible way I can heal on my own strength. Learning to surrender control to my G-d is one of the hardest components for me...

The last section of the book is a series of surveys to help the reader develop self-awareness in several areas. These can be used many times to assess progress as the reader ‘works the program’ (CoDA language).

I can’t even begin to summarize all that I’ve learned through this work. It’s really a matter of taking each section and evaluating where I am in each. I found myself in many of her scenarios, remarking ‘that’s me!’ and highlighting sections to reread. I will be referring back to my notes over time as it’s not the kind of concrete thing you learn just once. Obviously, I highly recommend this book!