Hope

My last post was pretty sobering – a long list of behaviors associated with codependency. I’m clear as to what the issues are, but how do I get over it? Is there life beyond it? Of course! There’s always a way if I’m willing to do the hard work and not think I can do it alone. So, I’ve started a list of steps, not necessarily in a sequential order nor is it complete:

 • Awareness – that’s the first thing. Learn to identify the behaviors and thought patterns that are unhealthy. That’s what that long list was about.

• Honesty – as hard as it is, admitting that I have a problem and being willing to accept the truth about my behavior and thoughts is a huge step.

• Modeling – this is where I need someone, whether a mentor, a counselor, or a close friend who is emotionally healthy to model what that looks like. I’m fortunate to have just such a friend who has been doing that for years (I’m so sorry…). There are now groups such as Codependent’s Anonymous that offer a safe place to get help.

• Change – take those first steps to stop the harmful thoughts and behaviors. Just stop, one behavior at a time maybe. Change takes time, patience, and encouragement. One thing I had to stop was those stupid pity parties… daily meltdowns get old, you know. There is no good reason for them, nor do they engender any sort of respect from anyone – at least that’s my experience. I was reminded recently to just ‘STOP IT’. Amazingly, as I laughed remembering the Bob Newhart segment on Youtube, it worked – finally!

 • Persevere – just keep at it, day by day. Yes, I fumble often, but I can change with the help of my G-d and my friends. Be patient with myself. This process takes time.

• Remember – that I am not worthless. I am worthy of love and acceptance just like everyone else. Life is worth living! There truly is a G-d who created me and loves me more than I can comprehend.

 • Be thankful – every day, find something or someone to be thankful for. I find that writing it out, even if it’s just for me, helps me focus on the positive.

• Learn – educate myself about what ails me. Read, and write about what I read. Talk to someone who can help.

• Journal – I do this frequently; for a while I was journaling every day, sometimes in the middle of the night if those thoughts just wouldn’t leave me alone. I found, too, that as I tapped away on the keyboard, the triggers of my meltdowns would often come to the surface.

Remember that “change often makes others react with hurt, fear, anger, and resentment.” (Subby, p. 133)  Recovery is just plain hard (gross understatement…).  From my personal experience, the healing I needed and wanted required me to leave an unhealthy relationship. I realize now that as I tried to apply the excellent advice I was given, true emotional health was not possible for me. I got to a point, too, where I knew there was no making that relationship work, nor could I maintain the façade of normalcy. I always fell back into harmful habits that left me feeling ashamed and worthless. It was not until I left that lasting change began.

Actually, those first months were hell, not just for me but for my best friend as well. I thank G-d for her perseverance and unconditional love. Now, though, I feel as if I’ve made progress, and I’m reading what are considered the best books on the topic to learn all I can not only for myself, but also in hopes of helping others suffering as I have.

I know further direction is needed for me to work through my issues. Sometimes, I need specific things pointed out to me when I screw up. Yes, that’s hard – to feel like you just can’t get it right. It’s not that I’m stupid or foolish – I’m recovering from decades of surviving. There has been some progress, though, so I’m happy about that!

I read in one book that three to five years is a good average for feeling like you’re truly recovered.*   Then, in another, the author says after over 10 years of recovery, she still falls into old habits sometimes.*  I’m really excited with this new book and will be sharing what I learn in a future post.

"Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life - and it was you. It is no too late to find that person again. ~Robert Brault

*Subby, Robert. 1987. Lost in the Shuffle: The Co-dependent Reality.

*Beatty, Melody. 2009. The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation.