I Wanna Grow Up!

Finally, I know what I want to do when I grow up! I want to be an actual, mature, independent grown-up woman! Does that sound weird or what? 

For anyone who’s been reading my little blog, you know I’ve been searching for answers for a very long time. I’ve read a plethora of articles and books now, spent what seems like thousands of hours talking things out with my bestie and others, fallen on my face, gotten on and off anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, left an unhealthy marriage of nearly 30 years, fallen on my face again (and again), cried several buckets of tears, written out my jumbled thoughts, prayed incessantly, gotten up, made a few steps forward, slid back, moved forward… you know the drill. In my search for answers, I found the term ‘codependent’and have been doing a fair amount of research on the topic as it defines pretty clearly what I experience.

I’ve read my fourth book on codependency now – this time one chosen by my roomies – and, it’s the best yet. Clear and concise, Robert Subby in his book “Lost in the Shuffle – The Codependent Reality”,  lays out his view of the causes, symptoms, and cures for what ails him and the thousands of us afflicted with this disease.  I’ve taken his words and organized them in a way that makes sense to me and lays out what I’ve been struggling with probably my entire life to some degree or another. My purpose is to increase my awareness of the triggers that set me back; so here goes:

A definition of codependency: An emotional, behavioral, and psychological pattern of coping developed as a result of prolonged exposure to and practice of a dysfunctional set of family rules. Those patterns are reflected in attitudes, beliefs, and rules from our past that enabled emotional survival.

Overall, a person who is codependent cannot develop an individual identity of self but, instead, relies on others to meet basic needs, primarily emotional. The person does not have enough self-worth, inner strength, or identity to live life as an emotionally healthy person. A “flaming codependent” (according to Mr. Subby) reflects a deep, private, often unconscious belief that real love and belonging is dependent on how well we do what we think others want us to do.

The longer one lives in an unhealthy environment, the worse the symptoms get until we break the cycle.

This is not to say that a codependent person can’t function in life. They can hold down a job and be active participants in social groups, albeit always on the fringes. However, they don't have clear picture of how others see them. If they're aware of their facade, they believe it is possible to put up a good front with no one aware of the mask covering a deep sense of shame and fear. 

The following is a categorized list of symptoms I’ve put together from my readings, primarily Mr. Subby’s work.  The groupings are mine, organized to help me pinpoint triggers to behaviors and thought patterns that I want to change.

Shame

Shame is at the core of a codependent person. Somewhere in the past, they began to feel that they were not worthy of love. This plays out in many ways including, but not limited to:

Feelings of self-doubt, dread, foreboding.

Self-blame.

Admitting to a problem or making normal human mistakes means there’s something wrong with us as a person.

Belief that we are not good enough or worthy of love.

Belief that we are boring, stupid, ugly, wrong.

Fear of being rejected if we’re honest about who we are.

Ashamed of our past, our lives, ourselves, thoughts, and actions.

Emotions

Stuff emotions due to fear of rejection or to avoid pain.

Difficulty identifying or expressing feelings.

Response to emotions can be over the top or understated.

Numb to our emotions and unable to respond to those of others.

Don’t trust our emotions or our ability to make ‘acceptable’ decisions.

Can be defensive when confronted with our actions.

Anxiety-ridden – sometimes with no observable reason for it.

Avoid conflict at all costs.

Extreme mood swings.

Emotional breakdown.

Severe depression.

Relationships

Feel responsible for feelings and behavior of others.

Fearful of offending others, frequently taking blame for perceived wrongs done to others – excessive apologizing.

Believe that love and acceptance are dependent on ability to do ‘the right thing’.

Reality is skewed, both about self and others – affects reactions.

Blind to the reality of unhealthy relationships – doesn’t believe the truth when it’s pointed out.

Creates drama to give purpose to life – difficulty adjusting to life without drama.

Hypersensitive to perceived criticism (self-focused).

Confusion with roles and rules in relationships, both personally and professionally.

Discomfort in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Attempt to control relationships through manipulation and indirect communication.

Difficulty trusting self and others, though can be too trusting (extremes).

Compulsive need for approval and affirmation – all sense of self-worth comes from others.

Difficulty being alone.

Rigidity 

Very rigid and inflexible attitudes – only one right way to do things.

Live a legislated lifestyle, voluntarily, to feel some control of life.

Tries to impose that rigidity on others.

Not okay to play.

Change is threatening.

Can’t relax unless environment is just right – every detail becomes a major issue.

Works far harder than is necessary to maintain control over environment.

Attracted to those who live by similar rules.

Identity

Deny who we are in order to gain approval.

Learn to put the needs and wants of others above ourselves to the extreme.

Deny own needs to the point of not being able to see them – can’t be selfish, after all.

Cannot trust self – logic is flawed because of how we learned to deal with life.

Few skills or little knowledge to draw on to face normal life.

Cannot make decisions, even simple ones, for fear of being wrong.

Often have no idea of who we are – no who to like or dislike.

Memories unclear or missing whether good or bad, as nothing stands out.

That’s quite a list, all of which applies to me in varying degrees! Many factors feed this disease – family upbringing, personality, birth order, religious training, choosing to stay with people who feed that deep sense of shame, no self-worth, and lack of identity. The more I learn, the better equipped I am to reach the goal of becoming that independent, mature woman I’m aiming for.

Once in awhile it really hits people that they don’t have to experience life in the way they have been told to. ~Anonymous