Yom Kippur, 5774

Today is Yom Kippur, and I just read the passages for the festival. According to Leviticus 16 and Numbers 29, the requirements are:


 - No ordinary work
 - Holy convocation
 - Afflict yourself
 - High priest performs mikvah, dons linen garments, prepares bull and goat offerings, takes blood and incense into Holy of Holies, incense makes a cloud covering the mercy seat. High priest sprinkles mercy seat seven times with blood of each offering


- Sacrifices offered:

- One bull w/ three tenths ephah of fine flour and oil 
- One ram w/two tenths ephah of fine flour and oil 
- Seven male lambs without blemish w/ a tenth of an ephah of fine flour and oil for each lamb 
- Two male goats, one for a sin offering, one for Azazel to take the sins of the nation into the wilderness. 
- Regular daily burnt offerings, grain and drink offerings 

 The focus is on the work of the High priest going into the Holy of Holies on this day only and offering sacrifices for the sins of himself, his family and the whole nation of Israel. The point (in my opinion): worship of HaShem in the manner He prescribed, reminder that only He can redeem us from our sins. Only He knows the state of our hearts.

In the diaspora, what do we do? Tradition has it that we focus on teshuvah (repentance), fast, have a ‘holy convocation’ (what does that really mean?), dress in white, dress the Torah scroll in white, not work at our ordinary jobs, have food already prepared, read the passages assigned and the book of Jonah. On the erev, pictures of loved ones who have passed are often set up with a yartzeit candle burning, a Torah is put under the challah cover, and people attend Kol Nidrei service which is a recitation of the sins of the people.

This used to be my favorite festival. I said that it was because of the deep introspection. In later years, I realized it was also because we had uninterrupted worship and prayers – all strictly focused on worship of HaShem. The last two years, after leaving community, my bestie made it possible for us keep our traditions alive as difficult as that was for her.

Now, nearly three years out from leaving community, I am re-evaluating my traditions once again as it’s nearly impossible to celebrate the festivals outside a group. I want to cut ties with the painful past, yet keep the commands as best I can. I believe the L-rd took us out of that community for a purpose, and I’m so grateful that He did. I don’t want my practices to be a mockery of what HaShem commands or expects. Do I continue to follow traditions? What do I do?

What did the children of Israel do in Babylon? Did the nation ever really keep the festivals? According to whose standards? We don’t have a temple or priesthood to follow the prescribed rituals. Nor would I, as a woman and one who does not have papers to prove my lineage, be allowed into the temple anyway.

This year is so different, so much has changed in my life. This year, I had an ‘ah, ha!’ moment, realizing that what drew me to Yom Kippur was the confession of the nation’s and the individual’s sins because I thrived on guilt and making atonement for my sins, real or perceived. It subconsciously fed that codependent need in me.

Now, I’m surrounded by ideas that are outside the boxes I sat in for a very long time. I’m re-evaluating everything I’ve learned, asking for His wisdom, attempting to see all aspects of my life from a healthy, objective perspective, and taking responsibility for my beliefs and practices on my own. I'm taking another look at all those traditions that surround the Festivals. This year, I can say I feel pretty afflicted – I’m pretty good at afflicting myself in multiple ways.

I know that I answer to One and One only, so my prayer as I continue on this journey is simple and short:  May my life be pleasing to the Holy One, and may He guide each step I take.