Thankfulness or Lack Thereof...

I confess that I fall prey to self-pity far too often.  You know, wallowing in sadness at some little thing in your life that really is not a big deal and blowing it way out of proportion?  I'm amazed and embarrassed when tears leak out and I take myself away from life only to come out of the wallow knowing that, once again, I behaved badly.

Why does this keep happening to me?!

Yes, I am healing from codependency, and it takes a much longer time than I would like.  Yes, I've lived through emotional and social trauma, like so many before me and around me.  Those who have been caught up in such abuse go through this vicious cycle in varying degrees.  And, what I've gone through is so minor compared with others I know personally and have heard about - countless others.

Creating my own private hell is pretty stupid in my mind, but I do it over and over again. I even know the cure, have practiced it, but still end up there too often.

So, here I am *taking deep breath* again.  At the point of realization that I have been ungrateful.  That's it.  So simple, yet I put myself there every time.  That is my sin - ungratefulness.  No beating myself up here, just stating the fact.

How can I truly claim to serve the my G-d and be ungrateful?  I can't. Period.  I confess my sin, humbly acknowledge His provision and mercy, and start fresh.  Even typing that makes me cringe because He has provided for me so much more than I deserve.  What right do I have to ask Him to forgive me?  Only because I must. I can't do anything else but bow before Him and ask for His mercy one more time.  He doesn't have to give it, but He does.

Another thing - when I'm ungrateful for His provision, it affects my relationships.  I end up ungrateful to those I love as well.  That hurts us all.

So, once again I am grateful. I am grateful for:

- deliverance from harmful, manipulative relationships
- deliverance from religious self-righteousness
- a roof over my head 
- friends who really do love me, even when I act stupid
- my cute, fun econo car
- soft squawks from Sasha when she wants attention
- gainful employment that is flexible, allowing me time to heal
- clothing and food
- exercise opportunities
- freedom from unhealthy obligation
- wholesome conversation
- shared faith
- the opportunity to start fresh and be okay with who I am.
- and most of all, the forgiveness granted me by the Holy One whom I love with all that is in me.

I am thankful to You that You are Adonai my G-d,

the G-d of my people for all eternity.

Rock of my life, Shield of my salvation are You

from generation to generation.

I give thanks to You and recount Your praise

for my life which is committed into Your hand, 

and for my soul which is entrusted to You,

and for Your miracles that are with me every day

and for Your wonders and Your goodness at all times -

evening, morning, and afternoon.

You are good, for Your compassion is never exhausted,

and You are compassionate, for Your lovingkindness never ceases.

Forever I will hope in You!

Blessed and exalted be Your Name, my King,

constantly, for all eternity.