L'Shanah Tovah - 5774

"May it be Your will, Adonai our G-d, and G-d of our Fathers, that You renew for us a good and sweet year."

5774 - a new year  begins for me today.  As I look back on the past year, I wonder how I got here today.  I feel like I've forgotten who I am, wading through the mire of my life.  You'd think I'd be ecstatic at where I am - sharing a home with the dearest friends I could ever wish for, gainfully employed, loved unconditionally.  We've traveled far together, my roomies and I - not just geographically but emotionally, too.  I could not be in a better place, and I am so very grateful.  My G-d has supplied all I need and far beyond what I ever expected. But, I'm not ecstatic.  I feel like I'm walking through mud losing a shoe every now and then.

So, why do I spend so much time in the muck?  Well, I suppose it's because I've been packing all that muck with me and am painfully aware of just how much is stuck on me.  It keeps oozing out of me, plain to see now, and it's not very nice.  Unfortunately, it's affected my relationships... Finally, though, I want to start fresh, get out of that stinkin' stuff.  I must do, there is no try this time.  

I've spent the last several months reading through a book about codependency that I've found to be really helpful. Every chapter has several points that I've highlighted and self-reflective questions to answer (can I say that I've used a few boxes of kleenex working through those?).  This week's chapter has to do with setting goals. Timely, it is as we've arrived at Rosh Hashanah again. Here's a quote from the book about the joy of goal-setting that describes my past life:

"Many codependents don't know this joy... I spent years of my life not even bothering to think about what I wanted and needed, where I wanted to go, and what I wanted to do. Life was to be endured. I didn't think I deserved good things. I didn't think good things were within my reach. I wasn't interested in my life except as an appendage to other people. I didn't think about living my life; I was too focused on others. I was too busy reacting, rather than acting."

Yes, that's me. I don't know what to do with my life now that I'm in a place where I feel safe and loved.  I've relied on others to take care of me, to direct me, and think for me. It's actually gotten worse in the last year since I made the necessary decision to leave my marriage of nearly 30 years.  I've had some serious conversations with my personal counselor (aka bestie) the past couple of weeks that have pushed me to the edge. Finally. I am face-to-face with myself, and I don't care much for what I see...

Therefore, change has to happen. So, here's the plan:

~ No more pity parties.

~ Remember what it means to be a true friend. These blog posts reminded me of the friend I want to be once again.

~ Take responsibility for my life and happiness.

~ Remember Who I serve.

~ Take charge of each day, yet be flexible.

~ Relax at home - it's safe to let my guard down here.

~ Stop trying to prove my worth.

~ Stop putting myself in a lowly position.

I am looking forward to this new year and the positive growth that will happen - I will be ecstatic!

I thank my G-d for taking me each step of the way (often kicking and screaming) in 5773.  I am so blessed and honored to have the best friend anyone could ask for - she's dealt with a lot this past year in the midst of her own life changes.  I'm thankful, too, for our mutual friend who G-d ordained to share our lives - he's so sweet.  I'm thankful for my sister who's been a listening, supportive friend and for those other dear friends who have been there consistently.  I love you all.

Blessed are You, Adonai, our G-d. ‘The Beneficent’ is Your Name and to You it is fitting to give praise.