Epiphany

I am working on becoming an expert on what ails me.

I struggle with codependent behavior.  As this is my 'Trials' blog, I'll be posting articles and some amazing things I'm learning on my journey to recovery.

Yesterday, I had an epiphany on something I do every day.  I go through this deadly, self-sabotaging triangle known as the Karpman Drama Triangle, the three roles being 'rescuer', 'persecutor', and 'victim' .  Each and every day, I do this.  Can I say that resentment (part of the persecutor role) is a form of control and is destructive?  I'm not even aware when I do it most of the time - yesterday, for the first time, I was able to identify what it is I do.

"...the Victim is not really as helpless as he feels, the Rescuer is not really helping, and the Persecutor does not really have a valid complaint." ~Carl Steiner, PhD. 

How about examples (these all happened just yesterday!):

~We're driving along headed to the mall or anywhere.  I suggest a certain route, the driver chooses a different route.  Inside, I get to feeling like my opinion isn't worthwhile, so I begin to feel resentful (I wasn't able to give it a name till today) and then I end up in a pity party often accompanied by tears.  If that's not controlling, I don't know what is.

~Or, we're in the mall looking for something specific, I suggest something that might work wanting very much to help solve my friend's problem of finding the exact item she wants. She's already frustrated that nothing fits right, and here I am seeking attention and thinking I know what's going to solve the problem.  My friend is far too kind to say anything negative, but she knows better than I do what's happening in my little head... yes, I begin to feel resentful and get irritated.

~Or, I am part of a conversation about birth order.  I begin to feel less than equal for being a last born.  I feel weak as a person and begin to allow my thoughts to head down a gloomy path, one I've trodden an awful lot - you'd think I'd have seen it before now.  I feel sorry for myself, probably in hopes of some compassion (see, I'm not even sure).  I don't even need to finish this one, you know it doesn't go to a good place.

So, now, at least I know what to look for in my thoughts and behaviors - may the Holy One grant me awareness when the cycle starts and strength to stop it.

I want to have healthy relationships.  I don't want to sabotage the friends I hold most dear.  I asked my bestie, as she's been very much aware of this unhealthy habit of mine for a very long time - "Why have you tolerated me and my issues for all these years?"  Her answer was simple and emphatic: "Because I love you!"  Wow...  and thankful, oh so thankful.  I'm still sitting here shaking my head in wonder...

Tomorrow is a new day, I'm sure I'll walk the triangle again, but maybe, just maybe this time, I'll not finish it. After all, 'His mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness".