40 Questions - Part 2

11.  Who makes you feel good about yourself?

Liz - her perseverance, wisdom, and love have brought me to a place of maturity like I've never experienced before.  Her zeal for the G-d we serve and her high moral character have inspired me to seek after Him more than ever, to a much deeper level than ever before as well.  I've never had a friend who loved me so unconditionally.

Kevin - she lifts me up and cheers me on with unconditional love, too.

Netanya and Barb - they both reach out with encouraging words and love me without reserve.

Kris - she's been a good friend and sounding board for many years now.

My sisters and my mom - they all have shown me over and over how much they love me even when I've been narrow-minded and hurtful.

12. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?

I have to agree with my bestie on this one.  I don't go looking for friends as much as there's a mutual connection because of personality, faith, and/or circumstances, and the relationship grows or doesn't as HaShem leads.    Let me add, though, that a friendship doesn't just grow on its own.  It takes hard work and commitment for it to flourish, along with  the qualities of compassion, honesty, loyalty and trust.

Yes, it sounds like a repeat of what others say, but that's what I really think.

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

Wow... I can think of several things throughout my life that I've not done because of the possibility I would fail.  Fail in that I didn't think I had it in me to do it or that I'd be accepted for who I am.

~  taking horse riding lessons when I was a kid.
~  dating when I was younger.
~  pursuing a career other than teaching.
~  waiting to marry.
~  thinking about ideas different than my own dearly held belief, whether right or wrong.
~  not speaking out at unrighteousness.

I think that list will do for now... I thank the L-rd that He has been taking me beyond those fears.  Amazing that He even cares about such insignificant things in my life in the grand scheme of things...

14. What is something you've always wanted since you were a kid?

Hmm... this is a tough one. I used to really want a horse and a little brother... that did not carry over into adulthood.

Though, when I really think about those things that I wanted since I was a kid, it comes down to this:  the freedom and confidence to say and do what I really want rather than what I think those in my life want of me - I wanted them to like me, to accept and respect me ... yeah, that's it along with self respect.

15. What stands between you and what you want?

Well, what do I want?

~ to travel to Israel and other places.
~ to live closer to my life.
~ respect.
~ to weigh less.
~ the perfect lightsaber
~ to attend a Star Wars Celebration.
~ a smoother driving car.
~ justice and righteousness.
~ to be free from hormonal fluxes.

Okay, now what stands between me and those things?  Money would cover most of those. A couple of those are beyond my control, and respect I have to earn by how I treat others.   Yep.

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

I read an article this morning that differentiated between joy and happiness - happiness being that momentary enjoyment of something simple.

On those days when I'm not feeling 'happy', I tend to wander around with no real purpose in mind, nothing beyond the usual daily routine to focus on, sometimes ending up in a hormonal funk or just plain discontent.  So, what do I do turns that kind of mood around, to get my focus back where it belongs?

Well, if it's hormonal, I take my pills, hunker down with a good book or a movie and lose myself for a time, enjoying a glass of wine or a cup of tea.  Other days (weather permitting), I dig around in my gardens pulling weeds, snipping off dead heads, sometimes just sitting in my favorite chair with a glass of iced tea soaking in the sun, usually thinking through things. Or, I get in my car and just drive, especially near salt water with worship music - soaking in the presence of the Master as I enjoy His creation.  Generally, it's better if I'm not with someone on those days - I'm not good company then at all. I can get pretty morose and hypersensitive. I spend quite a bit of time in prayer on these days...

Other times, I find that a day with my besties whether at the beach (I love just walking and walking on the beach), walking through a mall, or just sitting in Azteca schmoozing or debriefing makes me happy.  If I'm home, I find that bantering with my friends on FB or a phone call pulls me out.  Obviously, I've had too much time by myself at those times.  So maybe it boils down to that desire to feel wanted and needed that we all have - a need to feel like I belong.

17. When did you first realize that life is short?

I've always been a late bloomer - not the first to catch onto things, you know.  So, I think it really hit home when my oldest brother died in 1987.  I was 28, he was 38.  That day in September was a day that rocked my world for a good long time.  It was a year before I could think of him with out tears pushing their way out.

He was special from the get-go being born with what was called 'mental retardation' in those days.  Mentally disabled - today, I'm sure there would be something more specific to identify his way of seeing the world, a world that didn't always know what to do with him.

To me, he was my big brother who fashioned clay animals for me when I was small, played any song that called to him on his guitar, walked with me out in the neighborhood on dark Halloween nights as my protector.  He was the first one in my family to come home talking about how awesome G-d was and showing us all what love looked like in action.  It was his example that moved me in that direction, consciously determining to follow in the footsteps of the Master.  I could go on with stories of those who he shared his faith with - suffice it to say, when the L-rd took him, I really knew that life is short.

Today, I try so hard to remember that, to never take those I love for granted...

18.  What do you need to spend more time doing?

Well... that's a wide open question!  Let's see if I can get a handle on that:

~ showing those I love that I do indeed love and value them - that's the first and most important thing.
~ focusing on those things that edify not only myself but those around me, not beating myself up for things beyond my control and changing the things can actually do something about.
~ accepting myself as I am...
~ serving others.
~ seeking the will of the Master.

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

Okay... how do I answer this one?  In the past, I've had difficulty confronting issues of people's disrespectful, manipulative, unkind words towards me (let's just it was abusive).  I used to confront certain issues (whether worthwhile or not), got blasted over and over again and eventually learned to keep my mouth shut and just not say anything.  Silence and stuffing the pain and emotions felt safer.

Then, I learned (and am still learning), through much patient guidance, excellent example and much prayer to be honest and say it when someone says something hurtful.  There's so much skill in confronting (that's a very charged word for me) in a way that is respectful, but direct and honest when faced with harsh or unkind words.  I have a long way to go still, but feel like I've made much progress.

All that to say, that I try to take care of issues as they arise rather than letting them fester.

From another perspective, I really need to sort through a huge amount of junk in my house - I don't want to have anyone else have to deal with it when I'm gone (not planning on that in the near future - fyi!).  I keep procrastinating waiting for the right mood.  Really, it's just not a task I want to do.

20. What's something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

All the things that come to mind stem from one (at least from my perspective): Selfishness.

When I think about those actions of others that really bother me (that's how I'm defining 'disagree'), they all have at their root, people focusing only on what they want and need without thought of those around them.  Whether it's cutting in front of someone on the freeway, saying hurtful or words,  falsely accusing someone, or being upset that someone doesn't live life the way you think they should.  Yes, this is a simplistic view as there are many facets to why people do the things they do and say the words they say, but it'll suffice for now.