The Year of My Freedom

As I think back on the many years of celebrating Passover, I find myself in a place embracing changes that stagger me.  I have left behind so much baggage - codependency, unhealthy relationships that were destroying me, conditional friendship and love and much more - yet I find that I've brought an amazing amount with me as I've left my old life behind.  This prayer (borrowed from my bestie's Facebook wall) describes my state and my desire accurately:

"Egypt Inside" 

This I confess to myself: I have taken Egypt with me.
I’ve kept myself a slave to grief and loss,
Fear and anger and shame.
I have set myself up as task master,
Driving my own work beyond the limits
Of reasonable time and common sense.
I’ve seen miracles from heaven,
Signs and wonders in my own life,
And still wait for the heavens to speak.

G-d of redemption,
With Your loving and guiding hand leaving Egypt is easy.
Leaving Egypt behind is a struggle.
In Your wisdom You have given me this choice:
To live in a tyranny of my own making,
Or to set my heart free to love You,
To love Your people,
And to love myself.

 G-d of Freedom, help me to leave Egypt behind,
To hear Your voice,
To accept Your guidance,
And to see the miracles in each new day.

 Blessed are You, G-d of wonder,
You set Your people on the road to redemption.

 © 2010 Alden Solovy and http://www.tobendlight.com/. All rights reserved.


Today, I pledge to move forward, putting the past where it belongs and embracing the future that my G-d is laying out for me. No more living for someone else. I will still support and love those He has given me to the best of my ability just as I’ve always done. But, I will accept myself as I am with the limitations He has put in me and stop trying to mold myself into who I think others want me to be.

The Holy One has formed me from the beginning and put me on the path He has ordained. Yes, there is much pain in the past; I’ve denied myself for others for many years – I don't regret any of that service. I wish desperately that some relationships were healthy. However, I cannot change what is, and I truly believe that my G-d is sovereign and directs my every step. I thank Him every day for where He has brought me.

I am in a good and healthy place with loving friends, a way to support myself, and an opportunity to truly accept myself and learn who I am without the pressure of trying to conform to the expectations of others. This year marks the year of my freedom in a way that I am just beginning to understand.  My identity is not attached to any one person or group any longer.  HaShem is teaching me, bit by bit, day by day who I am, as He sees me.  Hard it is to lose that baggage - it's amazing how tightly I hold onto it when it's so damaging.

I praise the Holy One for bringing me to this time and this season!