Observations from the Hole...

This is what it feels like in the hole... everything is muddied and the perspective all twisted and upside down.  

I try to make sense of the world, going along with my life, but it just doesn't work right.

It starts with clumsiness, irritation at those little things, growing into a state where I just want to be left alone so I don't hurt anyone.  But, then when I give fair warning that it's a day, the avoidance is hurtful when no compassion or understanding is shown.  I want to cry and say angry things.

Sometimes, I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and nothing I try goes right, and it bugs the hell out of me when it seems to go wrong at every turn.

I try to pull myself out, go for a walk, taking funky pictures since I'm not really seeing the world like on a normal day.  Some days I drive and drive taking my camera along for company taking in the music filling my car.

I so appreciate the friend that gently suggests things she knows will help at least a little.  A walk.  A glass of wine.  A good cry.  Write it out - get those emotions out so they don't bind me.  Compassion helps, but it makes me cry sometimes, too.

Yes, I sound like a child.  I feel like less than who I really am - not an adult, not intelligent, wanting to run away or hide from the world.

Thank G-d for modern medicine that helps me through the worst days.  One day, this time will pass.  One day, I'll be free from this debilitating emotional pain.  One day...  thankfully, it's not as frequent as it once was.